I still can't seem to shake this dream I had three weeks ago...It was odd, but riveting and profound that it has stayed with me...and continues to do so - even now.

I was in a room (like an old old Tavern) sitting at a table next to him - my sea soul connection who lives 1000 miles away. Though it didn't look just like him, I knew it was him - no doubt. He had the most amazing blue eyes - eyes reflecting the ocean and I held his hands and gazed into them losing all sense of time, space - everything. Then his eyes began to change - growing wilder and ablaze in a fiery red stare and he had this intense look about him - and I was really frightened. But a voice said  "Hold On - Hold on, he needs you" and so I did. I held on til I thought I would burst into flames by the intensity of his blazing red angry eyes. I held - frightened, holding fast and as calm and peaceful as I could muster, I sat next to him. Then just as I felt sure I would either burst into flames or collapse, his expression changed and is eyes began to turn ----this time a blue so pure as I've never seen the ocean, swimming in time eternal. His expression mellowed, showing his true nature...with eyes that took my breath away. And we were still holding hands...and smiled that secret smile that only a sea soul connection can know.

Now the lesson I am trying to figure out is if this is a secular dream which means i need to let go...or is it a spiritual dream which may mean I should hold on - and be there, unconditionally. The connection is obvious - for both of us, but it's difficult to feel the intensity of each other - and at the same time, the futility of a 1000 miles between us. Our friendship is undeniable - and will continue to be so...but do I hold on to an emotion that my heart directs, or let go and let life flow as it will.

After my sister died last year, I had a dream several weeks later - where she was getting on a boat to sail to parts unknown and the voice - the same very clear voice said to me as I tried to hop on the boat, "It's not your time, you still have lots to learn" I remember feeling disappointed...as I watched her sail away on this big blue ocean and I had to turn around and make my way along this path. My other sister had a dream as well in which she was visited by her...and asked her "if you knew you would die so young, what would you do differently?"    Her reply? "Get more Godiva Chocolate"

Dreams...do they herald emotions from within to reconcile, or E-Motions of the energy in motion all around us. Is it true that we process only 2000 bits of information out of the 4 billion bits we experience? I can't help think that I experience only a fraction of what my world is really all about - and in dreaming, perhaps I am still and quiet enough to process just a little more than that 2000 bits.

I've been engrossed lately in this new and sometimes controversial science derived from our knowledge of quantum mechanics...and it's inherent discourse with "traditional science" - Newton's law of gravity, Einstein's theory of relativity...String Theory (and its more recent attempt at unification - M-Theory.)

Fascinating...and I clearly don't understand but a fraction of a fraction of the implications of this...but there's something in my gut that says that there is something profound here and we simply don't know enough to utilize what we do know. And our inability to measure it in a lab is simply our lack of the right technology...right now.

I've always believed that our bodies, our brains are oh so much more capable than we currently make use of...and many of us ---too many, are simply asleep to what is around and within us and simply live our lives in a tiny slither of reality. What if I could actually experience more than the 2000 bits of information that my mind processes...would I feel these tiny bits of energy we call strings...both within and without my body...would there be a difference between them, or would it be like the matrix where everything is simply made up of waves (analog or digital) - connection, interconnecting...resistance.

If I can change my vibrational frequency...does my reality change? This is what spirituality teaches us...YES. But can I take that further? Through meditation, through trance, can I change my vibration to BE something other than ME....is this what shapeshifting is all about? I keep coming back to E-Motions...the energy that is derived from our internal emotions...good, bad - non-judgemental ---but nontheless Energy. How does that affect our vibration that we call US...at a cellular level...and smaller? What can we learn from our cells that may answer questions about our cosmos...and our existence...and M-theory. The M (mystery, magical, murky, M-whatever)...is an attempt at resolving what were 5 different string theories...seeming that they were different views of the same. Have we found "the One" - probably not...YET.

The instant connections I have with certain people, animals, places...and the synchronicities that I experience when I "seem to be on the right path" - are all these simply harmonics? Is my life simply my attempt to play out our my own song...a symphony that only I and the people I connect with during my time here...will perform? If so, Why?

Just morning ramblings...saw Elegant Universe last night and I have these random thoughts tumbling around my head that need to get out so I can start my workday.

Do what you love, love what you do...and the money will come...

I've always believed that and have tried to live by that philosophy. I think because I've been without it...and with it, money is less of a factor for me than maybe it should be. I started my business because of my love for the ocean, for sailing, for water and the environment...and even though in the early years, I was as poor as my starving artist college days, those first years were the most defining for me. I have learned so much...about myself, about starting and running a business...about life and my place in it. I can't say the lessons all have been easy, nor have I learned them all yet...in fact, the emotional rollercoaster ride of a startup can be harrowing and there were definitely times when I wondered why am I doing this when it would be so easy to fall back into a 'comfy corporate job' ---and slowly fall back to sleep.

But then I remember...and I know that my fabric isn't woven that way. Through it all, I am more alive today than I had been in the many years embedded in 'a comfy womb' of corporate culture. So on the eve of the Spring Equinox, I remember the awakening of my own true nature...and welcome the awaking of Mother Earth this spring...renewed, alive, welcoming all that is yet to be. New beginnings, growth, evolution, connections, our cycles of life continue.

Not quite sure what to make of this yet, but this weekend was a very eventful weekend for me.

I'll put thoughts around this later, when I have more time, but wanted to get them down before they begin to clutter my day...

Friday night - tough night - thinking about the night my sister died and when her last breath was taken, her last heart beat, her energy changed, the amazing peace. Her birthday is exactly a month away...and her death was simultaneously the most excrutiating experience and the greatest gift I will ever receive. I still try to reconcile this...and sometimes find my way bouncing from one to the other. The grieving process is complex, I know, but add to this a spiritual awakening...a profound knowing based on her gift to me, it seems even more insane. I can easily try to categorize it into some psychological pattern, malady, but there seems to be something more...more Jungian and so, my weekend synchronicities are yet to be resolved.

I fell asleep in tears, but woke to the voice of my phone with a pix message from my other sister. The first text/pix message she has ever sent. And it was of my niece - who was born only a week after our sister died...and happens to look exactly like her - blond, blue eyes (when her parents are dark haired, dark eyes). Yea, genes, recessive yada, yada. But it made me smile.

Later in the day, I decided to go to the mall (something I never do - because I get most of my stuff from goodwill)...but I did for a very specific item which I didn't find...but I did find (on my way out) a kiosk of spiritual books/tapes/etc and what caught my eye was a sign at the bottom reading "enlightened?" - I stopped to browse...and the fellow who owned the kiosk came up and we chatted about our readings, our general thoughts and he gave me his card. I told him about zaadz and said I would send him a link of the community. I glanced at his card...and his name was Gabriel. My sister's name? Gabrielle. That made me smile.

But the most phenomenal thing was Sunday as I finished reading Way of the Peaceful Warrior...and wondered if I am indeed insane or creating the illusion that is my reality. It had been cloudy all day and just as I looked out of the window and asked this question out loud, I saw the sun...and most profoundly, a giant swallowtail butterfly float up to the window (the same as January 21st of last year that changed my life)...and flutter there for 5 seconds or so..then float up above the rooftop (just as the one did last year after he spent the weekend with me - and drank water from my hand). Can life be that surreal...or have I truly lost all sensabilities. The fact that I have photos of my mystical house guest from last year leads me to believe that, maybe, just maybe...there is more to this metamorphosis I call my life.

I recently came across this great poem from another zaadster's site about "come to the edge" ---and they were afraid, but came, and "he pushed them, and they flew"

I really liked that sentiment...and along those same lines...I am breaking out of my cocoon and will test my wings in the coming year.

Why would someone become homeless on purpose? My friends don't quite understand why I would rent out my house for the next year to travel month-to-month developing the business. I know, there are other ways to do this - probably more practical, more "strategic" ---but there's something else driving me forward, something more personal, more spiritual. Or maybe I simply need to feel the adventure of being alive and not stuck behind a desk...to be next to the ocean, to interact with my customers, to be in the environment that prompted this venture in the first place. Who knows, but my house is now on the rental market and I'm well on my way.