Can the key to the Universe possibly come from the song of a little green frog made of felt that I loved in my youth? ...is this song my 'rosebud'?

RAINBOW CONNECTION
Kermit the Frog

Why are there so many
Songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side
Rainbow's are visions
They're only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide
So we've been told and some chose to
Believe it
But I know they're wrong wait and see

Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

Who said that every wish
Would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star
Somebody thought of that
And someone believed it
And look what it's done so far
What's so amazing
That keeps us star gazing
What so we think we might see

Someday we'll find it
That Rainbow Connection
The lovers the dreamers and me

Have you been half asleep
And have you heard voices
I've heard them calling my name
Are these the sweet sounds that called
The young sailors
I think they're one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
There's something that I'm supposed to be

Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me 

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_/) ~~~~~~~~~~~~

I woke up this morning with this song in my head, loud, clear, resonating a secret truth yet to be revealed. Ordinarily, this would "just be a song worm" but for the last few days - weeks - years, it now all takes on a deeper meaning for me.

Saturday, I went biking on the Strand in "iffy weather" ---Iffy being a relative term for San Diego. It had rained the day before and was threatening to do so again, but we decided to chance it anyway. It was a great ride and we did get some drenching rain (again, relative)...but then the most amazing thing...a RAINBOW...No, Make that TWO RAINBOWS....No Again...THREE RAINBOWS appeared over the marshlands between us and downtown. I've not ever seen three rainbows at the same time and apparently it's pretty rare for SD as well, but there they were....SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL, VIBRANT...and each color pronounced as if to say, "We are ALL here"...ALWAYS.

The next morning, I woke with the thought of rainbows stirring me. It was that peaceful waking from a sleep that somehow makes me feel I've been to places unknown, untouched, unseen in my waking "reality" ---and I lay in bed, thinking about rainbows and how they're made, why we see them, what they're composed of...and when I got up, even before coffee, I feverishly started looking up rainbows, light spectrum, light waves...yada, yada, yada ---and so my scientific geeky side began to awake---to more energy harnessing, alternative energy, solar microbes, solar dna-enhanced viruses, lasers, electromagnetic energy fields, what role water plays, could play, different frequencies of light - gamma rays, x-rays, UV, RAINBOWS, yada, yada, yada...and then I started my "reality day" and put these interesting topics aside to ripen within...slowly fermenting like fine wine.

...and then this morning, I woke up to Kermit's song and as I lay in bed trying to remember more of the words...I realized a connection, possibly THE connection I've been wondering about. Crudely and naively put: Energy as seen through water = LIFE as we see it in our reality, however we can only see/experience a very specific frequency of the overall light ---based on our limited view...Some of us can only see one fraction of one piece of one band of a rainbow...and our spiritual quest is to first see all the colors of the rainbow, then migrate our way to see the rainbow's full arch...is this enlightenment?  ...but we will, inherently based on our human limitations, NEVER be able to experience LIGHT until after we die.

I keep coming back to something I read that "we receive 4 billion bits of information a second, but only process 2000 bits" ---that's a lot of lost information bouncing around out there...and maybe the unifying theory of quantum physics is water (or some metaphor of it)...through which based on how and where and when we observe an event, determines what kind of reality rainbow we see ---but truth is actually that beam of light ---our reality is only our perception of a particular spectrum of the prism of water that is our body.

Then again, who knows, I may simply be delusional before coffee...such is the case with an addiction to caffeine, I assume :)  Withdrawals can lead to hallucinations, or worse, musings.

This is where I grew up...I am the fat little micheline baby...my sister on the right...is dead, two days (or maybe a week---I can't remember anymore) before Katrina...it's all a blur as I was with her when her heart simply...stopped.    and i watched her transition...  and she moved to another dimension...someplace I have yet to travel...but eventually will - as we all will.  The "mom" in the middle of us decided to skip her funeral...even after I offered to pay for her coming. so I made all her arrangements...and said my "goodbyes" as a representative of "her" family...I miss her -every second of every day... she was my family...and I know I was hers.

It broke my heart...not for me...for my sister...all she ever wanted in life was her love...all she ever wanted..

My other sister who's not in this picture...gave birth to an amazing baby one week after our sister's death...natures's flow of equalibrium...I love that.

Of course I couldn't tell her of our sister's death...the cost would be too much...and I take full reponsibility for this...the most painful thing I've ever experienced...but after seeing Ashley (my niece) one week later...I have no regrets...the most painful...and the most amazing week...LIFE and DEATH in it's yin/yang dance....and I merely a spectator. I am in awe and humility of LIFE.

Gabi? My sister...I miss her...still. But I see her every day...in the butterflies, in the sway of the trees, in the slow dance of Mother Ocean's waves...in the smile and bright blue eyes of my newest niece...I see her...Gabi, you are always with me...and I thank you for your gift...every day...you are my hero! How can I ever thank you for your gift to me....I miss you sister. I miss you!


I have the photo album spread out on my bedroom (ok, it's a loft, the whole place is a bedrooom flooor)... floor..it's time to say it...time to say it...GOODBYE...Goodbye...

I'm listening to Nickleback this rainy Sunday morning...and feeling somewhat nostalgic.

Though truth be told, past memories aren't always pleasant strolls down the memory lane of my past. I, by no means, hailed from the typical Normal Rockwell family. But I do think the holidays (for whatever reason) bring out the melancholy of yesteryear for me...so here I am, indulging in an afternoon - burning Nag Champa and a candle, listening to Nickleback (among others), and flipping through some old photographs ...and through a rainy afternoon of memories - some sweet, some bitter, some better forgotten - but I don't make my life's focus about dwelling in my past, only remembering where my travels have brought me...to here, to now...and that's pretty darn good, so every once in a blue moon, it's good to remember that all the experiences I've had along my way, are what made way to who I am NOW....experiences, good and bad, filled with laughter, tears, serenity and terror...but all shadows and light of who I am...and that I do cherish...everyday.

It's 3:00 am...and I'm awake. Why? I'm not really sure, but I think my heart has something to say, so it's taking my body out of bed for a bit and I'll simply let it lead me where it will...

The city is quiet now...with only the occasional street noise wafting up through my window. It sounds like it could be raining as the street noise is "slushy" - I'll check later.

So why am I awake? I'm thinking about shingles...and torn tendons and broken legs and...and...and "what ifs"...The "what ifs" that keep a lot of small business folks up at night, I'm sure. I know I'm pretty typical when it comes to starting a business...all the little things that keep us up at night. A couple of conversations I had over the last few days has started this avalanche of  "what ifs"...mainly about health care....and lack of it. One of our employees is a single mother of one very bright and talented little 9 year old, who just last week was diagnosed with shingles...I always thought that was "an old persons disease" ---and I guess that it's much more prominent in someone much older, but it seems to be brought on by chicken pox and stress as well...and though rare, can be seen in someone as young as 9. Of course we don't offer health insurance for the company---just can't afford it...hell, I haven't had health insurance since I started OGM 5 years ago. Of course, I consider myself very fortunate to have a kickass immune system and have always been healthy so far...and I'm all about preventative measures rather then reactive consequences...but still, I know that if something were to happen to me...the company wouldn't make it at this fragile stage...and then there's the responsibility of our employees and their families who depend on us to survive. Sometimes, I swear, given the odds against the survival of small businesses, I wonder how any of us get to be the size of IBM, of Dell, of Ford...I mean, taxes are a bitch, our profits are squeezed from all sides, the government gives us little guys NO breaks that I've seen - EVERYTHING I have is in this business...and we survive by shear will and our customers...that is, of those who survive. We've just passed our 5 year anniversary, and even in a very down year for our industry, we still managed to grow a nice healthy percentage and our prospects are brighter than ever before...so why am I up at 3:00 am?

It's probably this picture that keeps coming to mind as I lay awake these last hours...I think it quite adequately represents what it feels like to run a small business in this environment. I actually took this snap a couple of weeks ago, as I was driving from San Diego up to Seattle for a boatshow. I decided to get off the 5 for a bit to see a little more scenery...and it was amazingly wonderful to get off the drudgery of the interstate. The road was winding, hilly, filled with new sights around every turn...*I'm starting to see the similarities of this drive and entrepreneurship here*...So I was careening along on this drive (me, the jeep, my demo boat with our LED lights, and Navees, my navigating fish)...and a map of the US for the macro view of where I'm headed...and my instincts...and some divine energy. There we were, all jeepin through the mountains on 36 from Red Bluffs toward Eureka...enjoying this amazing ride. Then I decided to stop for gas at this tiny little place with one old REALLY OLD gas pump. I could only afford $10 since that's all the cash I had and they didn't take credit cards. It gave me 1/2 tank, and the lady said it's about a 2 hour drive to the coast, so I felt sure I was good to go...off we went. Further and further up into the mountains we jeeped...the road got progressively curvy, steep and picturesque. The old growth trees were majestic along the cliffs and boulders and valleys so green, the earth so rich and dark...the colors so vibrant it took my breath away. Of course, it was also late afternoon and the sunlight was astounding. But then the weather started to change, the fog rolled in, the rains began, the cliffs below seemed to fill in with nothingness, showing only the tips of trees once towering high overhead. The road was still windy, but now the scene had a little more tension attached to it...the stakes were higher, I had more to lose if I didn't choose well, didn't make the right turns, didn't anticipate what lay ahead.

That's when I really noticed the lack of guardrails...NO GUARDRAILS on a mountain top. Yeah, I know...if I'm going over, odds are a little bit of aluminum banding isn't going to stop me from freefalling to form a little red jeep smudge at the bottom, but I think at that point, it was the mental safety net that I needed. As the sun began to set, the weather worsen, the road get progressively more windy and slippery (think PeeWee Herman's Large Marge scene here)...the fear began to creep in with the fog. But ironically, at the very same time as I was gripping the steering wheel hoping I would stay on the road for the next winding turn and not meet another truck head on, I noticed how ABSOLUTELY AMAZING THIS SCENE WAS BEFORE ME!! Here I was in totally uncharted territory (for me), tears of fear streaming down my cheeks, and being in absolute AWE of this place and my time in it. I can't fully describe the full sensation of all the raw emotions at the top of this mountain...but the picture above may  give a glimpse of the moment as I found my shear strength of will to keep going...I realized then that there was no turning back...I could only make my way forward to whatever conclusion there was. I had to keep focused, and simply take it slowly, feel the road, and make my way on.

I'll have to finish this later...but yeah, this is what my heart is telling me...showing me the parallels of running a small business to driving through the mountain's passages in a foggy, rainy unpredictable and sometimes hazardous path...and yeah, it is raining outside in this early morning's city nightscape. How appropos.